How to Apply Attachment Science to Inform Parenting Goals
Written by Irina Gorelik, PsyD
What is attachment theory?
While developmental psychology has covered the importance of this theoretically, this word often holds a heavy weight in a parent’s mind. “Okay, so a secure attachment is important, but what does it look like? How do I develop a secure attachment? Does my child have a secure attachment with me? What if it is too late for my older child?”
All these questions make sense… after all, with all the parenting information out there, and many of them talking about the importance of this topic, any well intended parent, or parent-to-be, would wonder about what this really looks like, and how to achieve it.
However, to really answer these questions, it is important to consider what attachment is, how it was measured scientifically, and how to shift to thinking about this concept more flexibly to actually be able to address it!
Attachment theory historically began to be explored in the mid 1900’s, at the time of World War II, where many children were being separated from their primary caregivers. Psychiatrist John Bowlby was one of the pioneers of this research and studied the impact of prolonged separation on development and outcomes. In 1965, psychologist Harry Harlow demonstrated the significance of physical touch, warmth, and “contact comfort” for development with his study with monkeys. Prior to this research, the primary school of thought was that babies primarily sought out their mothers since they provided food.
The modern day understanding of attachment theory comes mostly from the work of Mary Ainsworth, who worked under John Bowlby, and launched a project where she conducted home visits from birth to 12 months, where one of the final visits was a separation and reunion procedure, where parent and baby were separated for a designated amount of minutes, and the patterns in emotional response that the baby had upon reuniting were predicted by maternal sensitivity and interactions at home. This means that if the baby already internalized that their mother is consistently present and responds to their distress/needs in a predicable manner, and the baby’s nervous system can predict this as well, the baby is soothed by mother’s contact and quickly returns back to play (secure attachment). If the baby’s interactions with the caregiver are too inconsistent, the baby has a harder time regulating after mother returns and then takes a longer time to go back to play (anxious-ambivalent attachment). When the baby can reasonably predict that his or her emotional needs will not be met as needed, the baby learns to push away an emotional reaction and does not really respond to the mother’s return (avoidant attachment).
Why the history lesson here?! Because as we can see, the classifications that were created in the research were developed through a very particular method, that if replicated, can reproduce similar results in developmental research labs, but this is quite challenging to “measure” at home.
How can I apply attachment science to my parenting goals?
So what now? This means that instead of worrying about the specific attachment classification or focusing on this label, we can move towards thinking about how attachment research can help set intentional parenting goals. In order to do so, thinking of ways this applies in our every-day lives can help. We know that attachment is our internal model of predicting someone else’s responses and acting according to those predictions in relationships. For example, if you are used to not being noticed for your efforts, you might assume that your partner did not notice how clean the house was when they got home, and begin to get upset or resentful. Or for those with patterns of others emotionally “checking-out” of relationships, a partner seeming somewhat distant can trigger significant dysregulation and anxiety.
When we relate to these daily examples of how our own attachment patterns impact our daily lives, it can be easier to connect them to relationships with children and can shift towards making concrete parenting goals that will help your child see you as sensitive to their needs and emotionally responsive.
Some questions to ask when setting intentional goals for secure attachment can be:
“What can I do to help my child feel supported and safe in difficult moments without necessarily fixing the problems for them?”
“How do I create more warm interactions with my child and decrease hostile interactions?”
“What is the most challenging part of my daily interaction with my child that I would like to work on?”
“How can I fill my child’s emotional needs bucket daily without adding to my burnout?”
ATTACHMENT goals will not be the same in all families.
What can answers to these questions look like? For some families, it might mean setting more limits on their own screen time and setting 10(+) minutes of daily special time with their child, where they follow the child’s lead in play or another activity. It might also mean getting down on a child’s level when they are upset, angry, or scared, and listen without fixing or dismissing. It can mean that when a child gets hurt or bullied, to focus on reflecting on what the child’s needs are in that moment versus jumping into protection “fight or flight” mode (nervous system alarm activation) and storming into school to find the bully.
If the most challenging part of the day is bed time or transitions from screens, it can be helpful to make proactive plans for dealing with those challenges and managing your own, and your child’s big emotions in those moments. Setting self-talk goals can also be a part of this. Telling yourself, “I can stick to setting a boundary while also validating my child’s distress.” Coming up with your own scripts for yourself and the words you will use with your child can be very helpful, since we often don’t recall all the logical things we know or learned in moments of significant distress (that nervous system again)!
There is no “one size fits all” approach because there is no such thing as a “typical” child or parent. Each child also has their own temperament, which means that some children may respond more sensitively to changes in routines, be pickier eaters, or light sleepers. This means that connecting and responding to the needs of these children may look very different, and may require a lot more of checking in with yourself, and regulating your own emotions and needs in order to fully be there for your child. After all, the more we can respond to our own needs and check in with what our bodies/emotions are saying, the more we can really “be there” and be securely attached with children.
Meet Irina
I am a psychologist trained in child school and clinical psychology in NYC. I currently practice in a busy hospital within one of the boroughs, and work with children ages 5-18 and their parents from diverse cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. I also speak Russian fluently and work bilingually with some of my clients. I have also recently served as an adjunct instructor at a local community college, teaching courses in introductory psychology and child development. Working with immigrant parents from diverse backgrounds taught me that most parents do want to make changes in parenting approaches and do want to parent using different methods than those used when they were growing up, but often need the tools and support in order to do so. I therefore feel very passionate about working with parents to help them identify challenges, where they come from, and brain-storm collaboratively about ways to make home life easier. I feel strongly that identifying and shifting parenting dynamics that may not be as helpful can make a huge impact on the current and future generations.