66% of parents feeling lonely: Are we too disconnected from ourselves and our families?
Written by Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. Founder of Curious Neuron, Host of the Curious Neuron Podcast
This past May, I traveled through Italy with my husband and three kids. One day, while sitting in a park about 45 minutes outside of Bolzano, a small town nestled in the Alps near the Austrian border, I had an eye-opening experience. I watched a father climbing a play structure with his daughter, both laughing and giggling as he tried to outdo her. Nearby, a mother swung with her daughter on her lap, their laughter echoing through the air. Another mother was on a seesaw with her two kids, using her weight to push them high, their laughter infectious. Just outside the park, a grandfather tended his garden with a toddler following him, both smiling and laughing together. These families were not just supervising their children; they were actively playing and connecting with them.
Are We Too Disconnected as a Society?
As I sat on a bench watching my kids play in the sand, I noticed something profound. None of the parents were on their phones, and no one was sitting passively on the sidelines, as I was. The parents I observed were engaged with their children, connecting through shared laughter and joy. The kids seemed happy, and so did the parents.
This made me reflect on how disconnected we often feel in our society. This disconnection isn’t just with our kids. A recent survey I conducted with the Curious Neuron community on Instagram revealed that 45% of parents felt disconnected. Digging deeper, I found that nearly 30% felt disconnected from themselves, while 60% felt disconnected from their partners (out of 294 votes). This sense of disconnection aligns with a recent Ohio State University survey that found 66% of parents feeling lonely.
I believe that small bouts of disconnection are normal, especially in relationships strained by external factors like young children and heavy workloads. However, it’s easy not to notice this disconnection, letting weeks or months pass until a warm embrace from our partner feels hollow.
Studies Show That Connectedness Is Vital for Our Well-Being
Feeling connected to others is crucial for our well-being. Loneliness and isolation, the opposites of connectedness, negatively impact our mental health. Jessica Martino and Elizabeth Pegg Frates, a lifestyle medicine expert from Harvard University, argue that social support and connections are critical for overall health and sustaining healthy habits. Their publication, The Connection Prescription, emphasizes that people in counseling or therapy should be educated about the importance of social interactions and prescribed “connection.”
If You’re Feeling Disconnected, Here Are 3 Steps to Help You Reconnect:
Step 1: Develop Self-Awareness About Feelings of Disconnection or Loneliness
The first step is to pause, step back, and gain insight. Have you been feeling disconnected lately? If so, from whom or what? The parents we polled mentioned feeling disconnected from themselves, their partners, their children, their families, their friends, and their creativity. The UCLA-3 Item Loneliness Scale uses three simple questions to assess loneliness. You can score yourself below (1: Hardly ever, 2: Some of the time, 3: Often). A score of 6 or higher suggests an elevated level of loneliness.
How often do you feel like you lack companionship?
How often do you feel left out?
How often do you feel isolated from others?
If your score is lower than 6 but you still feel lonely, you might be disconnected from the people around you or yourself. Are your daily activities and the people around you aligned with your values? Do you take time to do things you enjoy? Do you get enough personal or alone time to recharge? These factors can lead to feelings of self-disconnection.
Step 2: Reconnect with Yourself First
Revisit your core values and personal pleasures. These don't disappear just because you're a parent. In fact, they might be even more important now because they help you recharge and reconnect with yourself. Personal moments of connection don’t have to take much time. It can be a simple post-it on your mirror with words of encouragement, a compassionate thought during a challenging moment, or setting a boundary aligned with your values. Connection isn’t about disconnection. It’s not just about stepping away from your kids or leaving home. If you do take time for yourself, make sure you do something that leads to feeling connected, like having a coffee alone or with a friend. This nurtures your well-being.
Step 3: Create Intentional Moments of Connection with People in Your Life
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We often recharge by creating moments of disconnect, stepping away from our kids or partners. This week, try the opposite. Put your phone away and take a short walk with your child, or color with them for a few minutes. If you have an older child, spend intentional moments talking about something you read or learned, or share a story from your past.
With your partner, write them a short note on a post-it or send a text during the day to let them know you’re thinking of them. Thank them for something they did with a brief physical connection. Have a coffee or a glass of wine together and talk about your day. Tell your kids this is your 10-minute date. Moments of connection don’t have to take much time, but they should be intentional.
Parent Reflection: How Do I Feel After Connecting with My Child vs. Disconnecting?
After you send your partner a loving text or finish coloring with your child, take a moment to reflect on how you feel. Do you feel content, grateful, or satisfied? If so, embrace this feeling and sit with it for a moment. These are the feelings that truly nurture your well-being.
Want to listen to more info about this and hear what I have been feeling disconnected from? Listen to this podcast episode: