Exploring the Connection between Mindfulness, Conflict Resolution, and Relationship Quality

Scientific publication summarized by Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. Founder of Curious Neuron, Host of the Curious Neuron Podcast

Source: Mindfulness, relationship quality, and conflict resolution strategies used by partners in close relationships. Mandal and Lip. Current Issues in Personality Psychology 2022;10(2):135–146

Relationships are not always as easy as movies make them seem. My husband and I got married 13 years ago but have been together for 23 years (yes, since we were teens!). We now have 3 kids and 3 businesses to run and life gets busy. What we have learned is that communication is more about listening. However, this can be the hardest part when you have something to say!

About 4 years ago, I began my own journey of inner work and this has been a game changer for me as a wife, mom, friend and entrepreneur. I came across this article that I thought would spark many great conversations between couples and friends alike.

Is there a link between relationship quality, mindfulness and conflict resolution strategies?

Researchers Mandal and Lip questioned whether there was a link between relationship quality, mindfulness and conflict resolution strategies. They also wanted to know if mindful people in relationships preferred specific conflict resolution strategies. Lastly, they assessed whether there were mindfulness differences between men and women in relationships.

Mindfulness can be defined as a state of “pure consciousness” or being constantly focused on what is happening in the present time, which is non-judgemental (Kabat-Zinn,1990, 1994, 2003). Studies have shown that being mindful can have many positive impacts on our functioning. It can help reduce rumination (not being able to let go of thought) or worry. Mindfulness has also been linked with adaptive emotion regulation, mental health and motivation (Rizal 2020).

Dimensions of conflict resolution in romantic relationships:

There appear to be 2 dimensions of the response to a romantic conflict (constructiveness-destructiveness, and activity-passivity) that can be combined to form 4 conflict resolution strategies (Rusbult et al., 1986). The exact descriptions below are taken directly from the publication.

Constructive ways of resolving conflict:

1. Dialogue (which is both an active and constructive strategy, while maintaining a close relationship at a level that satisfies both partners, and resolving conflict by discussing the problem). Partners who use dialogue as a form of conflict resolution ensure proper communication between themselves, and particularly value mutual openness and consideration of every possibility that is intended to alleviate tension in their relationship.

2. Loyalty (which is a constructive and passive strategy) is mainly related to the lack of action to resolve the conflict, waiting for the problem to resolve itself. Partners want to wait the problem out, trusting that it will be forgotten, and everything will return to normal.

Destructive ways of resolving conflict:

1. Escalation of conflict, which is an active but destructive strategy, manifests itself in negative behavior towards the partner. Such behaviors may include accusation, criticism or verbal aggression. At the same time, the partner exerts a strong negative influence and expresses their negative emotions without restraint.

2. Withdrawal, which is a passive and destructive strategy, manifests itself in a lack of commitment to the partner relationship. It consists in ignoring the other person and reducing the amount of time he/she previously spent with him/her. Partners who apply this strategy more often refuse to enter into a dialogue or discussion and treat each other coldly.

How did they study this?

Individuals in romantic relationships answered several questionnaires to assess their level of mindfulness, relationship satisfaction, and conflict resolution strategies they use. Below are some of the scales they used:

• The Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire: This tests a person’s general level of mindfulness. It also tests 5 subscales (dimensions) of mindfulness: Observing, Describing, Acting with awareness, Nonjudging of inner experiences, and Nonreactivity to inner experiences. The questionnaire consists of 39 statements, with possible answers concerning the frequency of behavior on a 5-point scale from 1 (almost) never to 5 (almost) always.

• The Patterns of Problem Solving Questionnaire: This questionnaire consists of 32 statements that refer to 4 conflict resolution strategies that describe reactions to dissatisfaction in a close relationship, i.e. dialogue (a constructive and active strategy), conflict escalation (a destructive and active strategy), loyalty (a constructive and passive strategy), and withdrawal (a destructive and passive strategy). The person is to mark the answer on a 6-point scale from 0 (never behaves in a given way) to 5 (always behaves in a given way).

• The Dyadic Adjustment Scale: This scale assesses 4 main aspects of marital adaptation, i.e. cohesion, compliance, satisfaction, and emotional expression. The scale consists of 32 statements.

What can we learn from the results of this study?

Which key factors were linked to higher relationship satisfaction? This study demonstrated an important link between mindfulness and conflict resolution in relationships.

Mindfulness predicted the quality of close relationships. Mindfulness partners were less likely to bring up past behaviours and arguments and more likely to focus on the present conflict and try to resolve it. In addition, mindfulness leads to a partner not judging their partner’s emotional intentions or behavioural ability (they refrain from doing this). Partners who could recognize and describe their own thoughts, emotions, and behaviours seemed to facilitate mutual communication and understanding in their romantic relationship.

Being mindfulness also was also linked to greater dialogue during conflict and less escalation of the conflict as well as fewer withdrawal strategies. Hence, it seems that being mindful leads to better constructive methods during conflict resolution (more conversation and listening to each other) which leads to higher relationship satisfaction.

Another finding showed that “partners who could refrain from immediate reactions distanced themselves from postponing their reactions, especially in difficult situations, and experienced a greater sense of compatibility with their partner in a romantic relationship.”

An interesting finding suggested that if “conflict escalation strategies increased”, the level of perceived relationship satisfaction decreased. This relationship was also seen with withdrawal, the higher the level of withdrawal in a relationship conflict, the lower the level of relationship satisfaction.

The duration of the relationship did not predict relationship satisfaction (simply being with someone for a long duration doesn’t automatically decrease satisfaction). There were no sex differences in the dialogue strategy. However, people that identified as women were more willing to use conflict escalation strategies, while people that identified as men were more willing to use the loyalty strategy compared to women.

I hope this insightful paper helps you create important relationship goals this year. Working on your own level of mindfulness and your conflict resolution strategies will clearly lead to better relationship outcomes!

A note to parents:

Our children learn from how we model various aspects of social-emotional skills, including conflict resolution. Working on this together changes what they see in your home and can influence how they resolve conflict with friends or with you.

Extra notes:

The following are some examples of questionnaire items. Perhaps these questions can help you assess how you are resolving conflict or your level of mindfulness:

• Loyalty – “If my partner makes me upset, I try to justify his/her behaviour”

• Escalation of conflict – “In anger, I sometimes say or do something I know will hurt my partner”

• Dialogue – “When I feel sorry for my partner about something, I try to tell him/her calmly about what lies in my heart”

• Withdrawal – “When my partner’s behavior makes me angry, I stop talking to him/her”

Recommended reading:

Book: Never Split the Difference by Kris Voss (Canada link and US Link)

Book: Little Book of Mindfulness: 10 minutes a day to less stress, more peace by Patrizia Collard (Canada link, US link)

Scientific Source: DOI: https://doi.org/10.5114/cipp.2021.111981