As parents, navigating the daily highs and lows of raising children can be overwhelming. From the rush of getting everyone out the door in the morning to managing meltdowns and sibling rivalry, it’s easy to feel emotionally stretched thin. Yet, how we manage our emotions—or don’t—can have a lasting impact not just on our well-being but also on our relationships with our children and partners. This is why emotion regulation skills are essential for every parent and why we created our membership The Reflective Parent Club, to give parents the science-backed tools to help them learn how to manage their emotions and model it for their child.
What Is Emotion Regulation?
Emotion regulation refers to our ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in a way that is socially acceptable and promotes well-being. It’s not about avoiding or suppressing emotions but learning how to navigate them effectively. When we struggle to regulate our emotions, we may find ourselves frequently snapping at our children or getting into unhealthy arguments with our partners. Left unchecked, this can negatively affect both our mental health and our relationships.
How Unregulated Emotions Affect Mental Health
When emotions go unchecked, they can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. Studies show that individuals who consistently struggle with emotional regulation are more likely to develop mental health disorders. For parents, these unregulated emotions can create a ripple effect, influencing how we interact with our children and how they, in turn, learn to handle their own emotions.
Imagine a parent who frequently yells at their child out of frustration or gets into arguments with their partner over small issues. These behaviors may not seem severe at first, but over time, they create an environment of tension, which can contribute to heightened stress and poor mental health.
The Impact on Your Child’s Emotion Regulation
As parents, our emotional regulation skills significantly influence how our children learn to manage their own emotions. Children look to their parents as models for how to handle frustration, anger, sadness, and other emotions. If we frequently lose our temper, suppress our feelings, or react impulsively, our children are likely to mimic these behaviors.
Research shows that children of parents who struggle with emotion regulation are more likely to have difficulties managing their own emotions. A study published in Development and Psychopathology found that children who witnessed high levels of parental emotional dysregulation, such as frequent yelling or emotional suppression, exhibited more challenges with their own emotional development. This can manifest as increased aggression, anxiety, or emotional outbursts in children, making it harder for them to cope with stress as they grow.
By working on our own emotional regulation skills, we not only improve our mental health but also equip our children with the tools they need to navigate their emotions in healthier, more adaptive ways. This creates a more supportive and emotionally stable environment for everyone in the family.
Teaching our children how to regulate emotions starts with us, as they learn most from what they see, not just what they are told.
Cognitive Reappraisal: A Healthier Approach to Emotion Regulation
One of the most effective emotion regulation strategies is cognitive reappraisal. This is the process of changing the way we think about a situation to alter its emotional impact. Rather than reacting impulsively to a child’s tantrum or a partner’s criticism, cognitive reappraisal allows us to step back, reassess the situation, and respond more calmly.
For example, let’s say your child is refusing to eat dinner after a long day at work. You feel frustration bubbling up, but instead of yelling, you might reappraise the situation by thinking, “My child is tired and possibly overwhelmed, just like I am. It’s not about defiance.” This shift in thinking can reduce your emotional intensity and help you respond in a more patient and understanding way.
Studies show that cognitive reappraisal is associated with better mental health outcomes. A study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that individuals who frequently used reappraisal had lower levels of depression and anxiety compared to those who relied on suppression, a less effective emotion regulation strategy .
Suppression: The Hidden Danger
On the flip side, many people rely on suppression, which involves pushing emotions down or avoiding them altogether. While suppression might seem like a quick fix in the moment—think of holding back tears or trying to ignore frustration—it often leads to more harm in the long term. Suppressing emotions doesn’t make them go away; it just buries them temporarily. These suppressed feelings often resurface later, leading to increased stress, burnout, and even physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia.
In fact, research shows that suppression is linked to poorer mental health. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals who used suppression frequently were more likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety . Suppressing emotions also affects social relationships because it limits emotional expression, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts.
There’s No “Right” or “Wrong” Emotion Regulation Strategy
It’s important to remember that no emotion regulation strategy is inherently good or bad. Both cognitive reappraisal and suppression have their time and place, but it’s crucial to be mindful of how often we rely on each. Overuse of suppression can lead to emotional and mental strain, while practicing cognitive reappraisal regularly can foster resilience and emotional well-being.
Do You Struggle with Emotion Regulation?
Parents who struggle with emotion regulation may notice that they often yell at their children, engage in frequent arguments with their partner, or feel emotionally exhausted at the end of each day. If this sounds familiar, it might be a sign that your current emotional coping strategies need some attention.
Here are a few questions to reflect on:
- Do I find myself reacting impulsively to my child’s behavior or my partner’s comments?
- Do I often feel regret or guilt after how I’ve responded in emotionally charged situations?
- Do I suppress my emotions because I feel they are too overwhelming to handle?
Steps to Improve Your Emotion Regulation Skills
- Reflect on Your Triggers
Consider the situations or interactions that trigger strong emotional reactions. Are there specific patterns, such as particular times of day or types of behavior that consistently upset you?Reflection prompt: When was the last time I overreacted to my child or partner? What was I feeling at that moment? - Practice Cognitive Reappraisal
The next time you feel overwhelmed, try to pause and rethink the situation. Could there be another explanation for what’s happening? How can you reframe your thoughts to reduce emotional intensity? - Identify Healthy Outlets
Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in physical activity, find healthy ways to process emotions instead of suppressing them.Reflection prompt: How do I currently handle stress or anger? Is it helping or harming me? - Seek Support
If you find that emotions are becoming too difficult to manage on your own, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can guide you through strategies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which is highly effective for improving emotion regulation skills.
Emotion regulation is not about being perfect or never feeling upset. It’s about learning to navigate your emotions in a way that supports your well-being and helps you foster healthier relationships with your children and partner.
Related Curious Neuron Content:
- Understanding the link between attachment and discipline with Dr. Sarah Bren (Curious Neuron Podcast here)
- How to mediate your child’s aggressive behaviour (Curious Neuron Podcast here)
- Why I think positive parenting is misunderstood (Curious Neuron Podcast here)
- Does parenting style matter? (Curious Neuron Podcast here)
Sources:
- Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 217-237. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.11.004
- Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
- John, O. P., & Gross, J. J. (2004). Healthy and unhealthy emotion regulation: Personality processes, individual differences, and life span development. Journal of Personality, 72(6), 1301-1334. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2004.00298.x
- Joormann, J., & Stanton, C. H. (2016). Examining emotion regulation in depression: A review and future directions. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 86, 35-49. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2016.07.007
- Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361-388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
- Ochsner, K. N., & Gross, J. J. (2008). Cognitive emotion regulation: Insights from social cognitive and affective neuroscience. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 17(2), 153-158. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2008.00566.x
