Every once in a while, I come across a study that stays with me long after I finish reading it. The kind that makes me pause, reflect, and think about the children growing up today, especially our boys. This article is one of those.
In 2022, researcher Anne Cleary published a study that explored the childhoods and emotional histories of young men who survived near-fatal suicide attempts. Rather than looking at statistics or risk factors from a distance, she sat down with these men and invited them to share their life stories in their own words.
She asked only one question:
“Can you tell me how you came to be admitted here?”
What followed was a rare, powerful window into the emotional lives of boys, how they learn to cope, what shapes their mental health, and what happens when their emotional needs are ignored or misunderstood.
Parents of boys: these findings matter for all of us.
Why This Study Was Conducted
Cleary begins her study by highlighting something we already know but don’t talk about enough: men die by suicide at much higher rates than women, across many countries. Young men, especially those aged 18 to 30, are at significant risk.
But here’s where the study becomes essential for parents raising boys today:
Research shows that certain gendered expectations, especially emotional restriction, increase suicide risk in men.
Cleary cites evidence that:
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Boys raised in traditional or “hegemonic” masculine environments, where emotions are discouraged, are at higher risk.
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Boys who experience trauma, emotional suppression, harsh or abusive fathers, or environments where vulnerability is forbidden often grow up using coping strategies such as denial, avoidance, aggression, or substance misuse.
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Over time, these strategies fail to protect them, leaving them without healthy ways to cope with distress.
Despite years of statistical data, almost no research had asked men directly:
“What happened emotionally in your childhood and adolescence that led you here?”
Cleary’s study was designed to fill that gap.
The study included 52 men, aged 18–30, who had survived a serious or near-fatal suicide attempt. All were admitted to one of three Dublin hospitals.
Interviews were unstructured, meaning men weren’t led toward any conclusion. They spoke freely, and their stories illuminated themes that parents today desperately need to hear.
What the Men Shared (and Why It Matters for Today’s Boys)
Through the interviews, five major themes emerged.
1. Many grew up in strict, emotionally restrictive masculine environments.
Many of the men grew up in homes where emotional expression, especially sadness, fear, or vulnerability, was discouraged or outright punished.
Strength, toughness, self-control, and silence were the norms.
Boys quickly learned:
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“Don’t cry.”
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“Don’t show fear.”
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“Don’t talk about what hurts.”
These emotional expectations didn’t only come from fathers but also from peers, extended family, and neighbourhood culture. Masculinity was taught as emotional restriction.
And when emotions are not allowed, they don’t disappear, they go underground.
2. Father-son relationships were often emotionally distant, rejecting, or abusive.
The father–son relationship emerged as a central theme across the interviews. Many of the men described fathers who were emotionally distant, rejecting, harsh or punitive, unpredictable, or struggling with alcoholism. Some fathers were physically present but emotionally unavailable, leaving their sons without a sense of connection or safety. These early relational patterns left boys feeling sadness, anger, fear, longing, and deep rejection — emotions that, when never acknowledged or supported, grew into long-term insecurity that followed them into adulthood.
3. Men learned to hide vulnerability and cope through avoidance.
Because emotional expression was unsafe, the boys in these homes learned to cope in the only ways they believed were acceptable. They hid their emotions, avoided seeking help, denied their distress, and, for some, turned to substances as a way to numb what they could not express. Many adopted a mindset of “toughing it out” alone, believing that silence and endurance were necessary to survive. The study makes it clear that emotional suppression became their primary survival strategy but it was not sustainable. Over time, this suppression intensified their internal distress and prevented them from getting support at the moments they needed it most.
4. Childhood adversity accumulated into a psychological burden carried into adulthood.
Many of the men had endured significant adversity throughout childhood, including experiences of abuse, family conflict, violence in the home, trauma, and bullying or victimization at school. These difficulties accumulated year after year without emotional support or opportunities to process what they were living through. Because expressing pain was forbidden in their environments, the psychological burden grew quietly and relentlessly beneath the surface.
5. When intimate relationships became strained or ended, these men felt especially vulnerable.
This was one of the most striking findings. For many men, their romantic relationship was the only place where they allowed emotional vulnerability. When those relationships became strained or ended, the emotional collapse felt unbearable. Without other emotional outlets, the distress became overwhelming.
Takeaways
The study shows that hegemonic masculinity, the cultural model of toughness, self-reliance, and emotional suppression, deeply shaped these men’s development.
It limited their coping strategies and contributed to emotional isolation.
Cleary concludes that suicide prevention must include:
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healthier emotional expression for boys and men
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nurturing father–son relationships
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shifting cultural norms that teach boys to silence their emotional worlds
This is not about blame. It is about understanding how emotional environments shape boys’ lives and choosing to build something more supportive for the next generation.
A Few Questions for Dads to Reflect On
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What did you learn about emotions growing up?
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How did your father (or father figure) respond when you were afraid or upset?
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What emotional support did you need as a boy that you didn’t receive?
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How might your son benefit if you offered him even a small version of that support now?
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What’s one tiny shift you could make this week toward greater emotional presence?
These questions aren’t meant to criticize your past, they’re meant to guide your future.
What You Can Try
If emotional connection wasn’t modeled for you there are a few ways we can help here at Curious Neuron. First, you can listen to this episode of the podcast where I chatted with a sociologist about his research on teen boys. If you want to learn the skills that help you understand and communicate your emotions, take our evidence-based course, Becoming a Reflective Parent. Or if you are looking for a community, you can join our online group that meets every week called The Reflective Parent Club.
To start you off on your journey of emotional awareness, here are a few places to start that don’t require “deep emotional talks,” but make a huge difference for boys:
1. Share simple emotional moments.
Not speeches, just moments.
Things like:
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“I felt frustrated earlier.”
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“I was nervous before that meeting.”
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“I felt proud watching you today.”
You’re giving your son a language he may not have yet.
2. When your son is angry, assume there’s more underneath.
On the Reflective Parenting Podcast, Brendan reminded us that anger often hides hurt, fear, or shame.
Try gently offering: “Sometimes anger is really frustration or sadness. Does either fit for you?” No pressure. Just openness.
3. Repair, don’t retreat.
If you lose your temper, you don’t have to withdraw out of guilt. A simple, “I wish I had handled that differently. I care about you,” builds more emotional safety than perfection ever could.
4. Create low-pressure connection.
Do something side-by-side: Driving, building, walking, playing sports, cooking. Boys often talk more when they don’t have to sit face-to-face.
For me, the key to all this is not to wait. Start with small steps today to support your son’s future emotional well-being.
