Many parents believe that the kindest thing they can do after a hard day is to “keep it together” in front of their child. They smile through exhaustion, mask frustration, or hide worry because they do not want their stress to become their child’s problem.
That instinct comes from love. However, research suggests that consistently hiding emotions—what psychologists call expressive suppression—may not protect children as much as parents hope. In fact, it can affect the emotional tone of parent–child interactions and may make it harder for children to learn healthy ways to understand and manage feelings.
The goal is not for parents to be perfectly calm or to share every adult worry with their child. It is to build parent emotional regulation: the ability to notice what you feel, calm your body, and respond in a way that keeps you connected to your child.
Children notice more than we think
In a study by Waters, Karnilowicz, West, and Mendes (2020), 107 parent–child dyads participated in a laboratory study. Parents first completed a stressful task designed to activate the body’s stress response. They were then randomly assigned to either suppress their emotions or act naturally while reuniting with their 7- to 11-year-old child. The researchers measured sympathetic nervous system activity in both parents and children, then observed them during a conflict conversation, a cooperative task, and free play.
When mothers suppressed their emotions, their children became physiologically linked to their mothers’ stress responses during the conflict conversation. In father–child dyads, suppressing fathers became physiologically linked to their children’s stress responses.
In simpler terms: even when parents tried not to show stress, their bodies’ stress signals were still connected to their child’s stress signals.
The behavioral findings were just as important. Dyads with a suppressing parent were rated as less warm and less engaged than dyads whose parents acted naturally. Emotional warmth (being attuned to you child’s emotions and knowing how to respond to their emotions is not only an important part of parenting, but important for their emotional development). Both parents and children showed this pattern, even though children did not know their parent had been instructed to hide their feelings.
This suggests that suppression does not simply make a parent look calm. It can make the interaction feel less connected, less responsive, and less emotionally available.
Suppression changes how we parent
A related study by Karnilowicz et al (2018), “Not in Front of the Kids,” examined what happens when parents suppress emotions during cooperative activities with their children. The researchers found that parental suppression was associated with lower parental warmth, responsiveness, and guidance. Children of suppressing parents also showed less positive mood, warmth, and responsiveness.
This matters because children do not only learn about emotions through what parents say. They learn through the emotional atmosphere created in everyday moments: a shared puzzle, a difficult bedtime, a sibling conflict, or a conversation after school.
When a parent is working hard to conceal an emotion, some of their attention and emotional energy goes into that effort. That can leave less room for curiosity, patience, playfulness, and connection—the very qualities children need from us when they are struggling.
Regulation is different from suppression
It is important to distinguish suppressing an emotion from regulating it.
Suppression means pushing a feeling down, hiding it, or pretending it is not there. Regulation means noticing what you feel, naming it, calming your body, and choosing a response that aligns with your values. When a child sees you go through these steps, it teaches them how to regulate their own emotions which is a skill that can protect them from mental illness given that studies have shown higher abilities to regulate emotions lowers risk of depression and anxiety.
For example, a large meta-analysis by Zimmer-Gembeck and colleagues (2022) reviewed 53 studies published between 2000 and 2020 on parents’ emotion regulation, parenting behavior, and child adjustment. The authors found that parents’ broader emotion-regulation difficulties were associated with children’s emotion-regulation difficulties and internalizing symptoms, such as anxiety and depression.
Interestingly, the meta-analysis also found that suppression alone was not consistently linked to parenting or child outcomes. That nuance matters. It would be inaccurate to say that every moment of hiding a feeling harms a child. But the research does suggest that when suppression becomes a parent’s main strategy—especially alongside low emotional awareness or difficulty managing stress—it may be part of a larger pattern that affects children’s emotional development.
Strong parent emotional regulation is not about eliminating difficult feelings. It is about creating enough internal space to respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically. It’s about being responsive in emotional situations rather than reactive.
What children need instead
Children benefit when parents model that emotions are understandable, manageable, and safe to talk about. That does not mean parents must be emotionally transparent about everything. Children do not need to carry adult problems, financial stress, or relationship conflict.
But they do benefit from hearing things like:
-
“I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a few breaths before we keep talking.”
-
“I had a hard day, and I’m feeling tired. It’s not because of you.”
-
“I’m going to step away for a minute so I can calm my body. Then we can solve this together.”
These statements show a child something powerful: feelings can be acknowledged without taking over the relationship. They also teach children that emotions are information, not emergencies.
A gentler goal
If you recognize yourself in this research, please do not add guilt to an already long list of parenting pressures. Everyone suppresses emotions sometimes, and there are moments when privacy or restraint is appropriate.
My invitation for you today is: instead of trying to hide every feeling from your child, practice noticing it, settling your nervous system and stress response, and returning to the interaction with more warmth and connection. Your child does not need a parent who never feels stressed, sad, or frustrated.
They need a parent who can feel those things and still stay present, connected, and willing to repair.
How Curious Neuron can help
At Curious Neuron, we support parents in learning how to regulate their emotions because we know how important this is for their children’s future wellbeing. Our work (blogs, podcast, social media or 8-week program) helps parents build self-awareness, understand their emotional triggers, calm their nervous system, and respond to their child with more intention and connection.
Classes for our 8-week program start October 27th. It is designed for parents who want practical, science-informed tools—not perfection—to strengthen parent emotional regulation and create a calmer emotional climate at home. Parents can learn more about our program and join us as we build these skills together.
Watch my Tedx talk to learn more about your stress response and emotion regulation skills.
