Understanding Relational Savouring: A Practice for Strengthening Emotional Connection
We spend so much time worrying about how to do parenting right — but what if one of the most powerful things you can do for your child is to slow down and feel the love that’s already there?
Psychologist Dr. Jessica Borelli, an Associate Professor of Psychological Science at University of California, Irvine, has found that one key to stronger relationships is something called relational savouring. It’s a simple reflection practice that invites you to re-experience a warm, meaningful moment of connection with someone you love — like a bedtime hug, a shared laugh, or a comforting cuddle after a tough day.
Unlike mindfulness or gratitude, relational savoring focuses specifically on emotional closeness. You recall one memory of care, safety, or joy and let yourself fully re-live it — what you saw, heard, and felt in that moment.
Dr. Borelli describes it as a way to “attend to experiences of safety and security and intentionally focus on their meaning.” In other words, it helps you feel love again, not just think about it. Each time you do, your brain strengthens its pathways for calm and connection.
Relational savoring is a science-based way of strengthening emotional connection through relational savouring — one loving memory at a time.
Why This Matters: The Science of Connection and Flourishing
Most parenting advice focuses on fixing problems, reducing stress, anxiety, or meltdowns. But researchers behind this study wanted to understand what helps people flourish, to feel secure, loved, and connected in everyday life.
Their work builds on attachment science, which shows that when we feel safe and loved, our brain and body shift out of survival mode and into growth mode. These moments of safety form the “blueprints” our minds use to build trust and closeness throughout life.
Stress, trauma, or emotional distance can pull us away from those feelings of safety and make our brains focus on threat instead of connection. That’s where relational savoring comes in. It helps us turn our attention back to warmth and love, training the brain to look for connection — not danger.
By reliving moments of love, parents can calm their nervous system, strengthen empathy, and build trust — both with themselves and their children. That’s the real power of strengthening emotional connection through relational savouring: using memory as a tool for resilience and closeness.
What the Researchers Found: How Reliving Love Changes the Brain and the Bond
Borelli and her team tested relational savoring across several studies with parents, couples, teens, and older adults. In every case, participants were guided to recall a moment of deep connection—sometimes with a partner, sometimes with a child—and to describe it in vivid detail. They were then asked to reflect on what the experience meant and how it might shape the relationship going forward.
The results were consistent and compelling:
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Parents reported higher levels of positive emotion and closeness after savoring relational memories.
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Older adults showed lower heart-rate reactivity during stressful tasks, meaning their bodies were literally calmer after practicing relational savoring.
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Mothers of young children demonstrated increases in empathy and sensitive caregiving after four weeks of savoring exercises.
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Romantic partners reported greater satisfaction and intimacy following brief savoring sessions.
What makes this finding unique is that the emotional effects were not fleeting. Many participants continued to report stronger feelings of warmth and connection weeks later. The researchers suggest that by repeatedly activating memories of safety and love, the brain “re-trains” itself to expect connection rather than threat—rewiring the emotional circuits that regulate stress and empathy.
In other words, relational savouring may help people heal from disconnection by re-experiencing connection. It’s not just about remembering—it’s about transforming how the body and mind respond to love. This is why the authors view it as a powerful tool for strengthening emotional connection through relational savouring.
How to Practice Relational Savoring in Everyday Life
You don’t need a therapist or a structured session to begin. You just need time, presence, and openness to feel.
Here’s how you can practice it at home, using ideas adapted from the reflection prompts in Borelli’s work:
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Choose a specific moment of closeness.
Think of a time when you felt genuinely connected with your child, perhaps when they ran into your arms, looked up at you with pride, or snuggled during story time. -
Visualize the details.
What do you remember seeing, hearing, and feeling? Try to imagine the lighting, the sounds, even your child’s scent or the feeling of their hand in yours. -
Notice your body.
What sensations arise as you recall the moment? Warmth in your chest? A softening of your breath? Let those sensations grow. -
Name the emotion.
What word best describes what you’re feeling, love, gratitude, tenderness, joy? Give it a name to anchor it in your awareness. -
Reflect on meaning.
What does this moment say about your relationship with your child? How might you bring that same warmth or safety into a difficult moment? -
Revisit this memory often.
Each time you recall it, the emotional connection deepens, helping your brain and body associate parenting not only with stress, but with love and calm.
Practiced regularly, this becomes a tool for strengthening emotional connection through relational savouring, a small, daily pause that recharges your emotional bond.
Need help implementing this in your life? We cover this inside our Reflective Parenting Program and you can get support from our emotional health expert, Dr. Cindy Hovington, when you join our Reflective Parent Club. Learn more about our course and membership here.
For Clinicians: Using Relational Savoring to Support Secure Attachment
Borelli and her team encourage clinicians, therapists, and pediatric professionals to integrate relational savoring into their practice. Because it’s brief and adaptable, it can easily complement existing therapeutic models.
They suggest that clinicians:
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Use relational savoring to help clients access positive attachment memories, especially when therapy focuses on trauma or disconnection.
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Pair it with mindfulness or emotion-regulation training to strengthen secure attachment patterns.
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Encourage parents to use savoring exercises between sessions to reinforce emotional safety and reduce parenting stress.
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Incorporate guided reflection questions, such as:
“Can you recall a time when you felt seen, valued, or supported by your child (or by someone you love)? What happens in your body as you revisit that moment?”
By helping parents focus on emotionally nourishing experiences, clinicians can create moments of repair and re-connection that ripple into the family system. Want to join our Clinical Integration program where your clinic gets access to a unique program that supports parental well-being? Email Cindy to get more info!
Relational savouring is not just a reflection exercise, it’s a science-based pathway for strengthening emotional connection through relational savouring and promoting flourishing across generations.
Relational savoring reminds us that parenting isn’t only about what we teach our children — it’s also about what we feel with them. Every time you pause to relive a moment of love, you’re strengthening your child’s sense of safety and your own capacity for calm. These small moments of connection become powerful emotional anchors, shaping how both you and your child handle life’s challenges.
