When your preschooler bursts into tears because their tower falls or yells “No!” for the fifth time in five minutes, it can feel like their emotions are wild and unpredictable. But science shows that what looks like chaos is actually the beginning of emotional control — the foundation of focus, empathy, and resilience.
During the preschool years, children are not just learning letters and numbers. Their brains are building the pathways that help them notice, understand, and manage emotions. These are called emotion regulation skills, and they are some of the most powerful predictors of lifelong mental health and school success.
Let’s look at what researchers have discovered about how these skills grow — and how parents, teachers, and even peers shape the process.
What Are Emotion Regulation Skills?
Emotion regulation skills are the abilities that help a person notice, understand, and manage their emotions in healthy ways. They allow children to calm down when upset, think before reacting, and find appropriate ways to express how they feel.
These skills don’t appear automatically. They are built slowly through hundreds of everyday moments — when a parent comforts a crying child, when a teacher helps a student pause before reacting, or when friends comfort each other on the playground.
In fact, research shows that emotion regulation skills are socially built before they become self-controlled. Early on, adults act as co-regulators, helping children return to calm. Over time, children internalize these skills and learn to guide themselves.
How Emotion Regulation Develops in Preschool Years
1. Toddlers Begin to Understand That Emotions Can Change
In a fascinating study from Developmental Psychology, psychologists Tracy Dennis and Deb Kelemen (2009) asked preschoolers what people could do to feel better when they were angry, sad, or scared. Even three-year-olds already knew that feelings could change and that different strategies worked for different emotions.
When asked what to do when angry, many children said things like “fix what made you mad.” When asked about sadness, they often said “play with toys” or “get a hug.” The researchers found that children who believed venting anger helped them feel better actually showed lower social skills, suggesting that understanding how to regulate emotions — not just expressing them — is what helps children thrive.
This study showed something remarkable: by age four, many children already grasp that how they manage their feelings matters for relationships and well-being (Dennis & Kelemen, 2009).
2. Language and Reflection Strengthen Regulation
The preschool years are also when children begin using language to process emotion. In one recent study from Behavioral Sciences (Wang et al., 2025), researchers used a picture-book-based emotion education program with preschoolers.
Children read stories about emotions, but the key wasn’t the books themselves — it was the conversations that followed. Teachers guided children to name emotions, describe body sensations, and discuss what characters could do to feel better.
After several weeks, children who had these guided conversations showed significant improvements in emotion knowledge and self-regulation and used fewer negative coping strategies, like yelling or giving up. Meanwhile, children who simply heard the stories without discussion actually became less regulated over time.
The takeaway is simple: talking about emotions builds the brain’s regulation networks. The adult’s presence and reflection turn stories into practice.
3. Warm Adults Teach Emotional Balance
In a 2024 study published in Early Childhood Education Journal, psychologist Silkenbeumer and colleagues observed preschool teachers during emotionally charged moments. They found that teachers who showed warmth, patience, and flexibility, rather than control helped children regain calm faster and build stronger emotion regulation over the school year.
Teachers who labeled emotions (“You look frustrated”) and helped children reflect (“What could help next time?”) were teaching not just behavior, but emotional awareness. As the authors wrote, “Teachers act as external regulators who gradually help children internalize strategies for managing their emotions.”
At home, parents serve this same role. Warm, responsive parenting gives a child’s nervous system the model it needs to manage stress. When a parent says, “That was hard, but you took a deep breath, that helped,” the child’s brain learns that emotions are manageable.
4. Friends Teach Emotional Coping Too
In 2025, Diebold and colleagues published a study in Infant and Child Development exploring how preschool friendships shape emotion regulation. They found that children with emotionally supportive friends, peers who offered help, empathy, or comfort developed better self-regulation skills across the school year.
Interestingly, this effect was even stronger than the general classroom climate. It wasn’t just about being in a kind classroom; it was about having peers who practiced empathy together.
This means that parents who encourage playdates, cooperation, and perspective-taking are giving their child the social “gym” for emotion-regulation practice.
5. Adults Set the Emotional Tone
Finally, teachers’ and parents’ own regulation skills matter deeply. In a 2021 paper, Zinsser and colleagues found that when teachers managed their emotions calmly, children showed better focus, emotional security, and social behavior. The classroom climate improved as the adults’ emotional climate improved.
This aligns with what we see in families: parents’ stress and emotional balance directly affect children’s behavior through what psychologists call “emotional spillover.” When adults model calm reflection, children’s brains begin to wire those same neural pathways for emotional control.
The Social Nature of Regulation
Across all of these studies, a clear message emerges:
“Children learn to regulate emotions by borrowing the calm of the adults and peers around them.”
This is why emotion regulation is both a personal skill and a social process. It begins as co-regulation, the adult helping a child find calm and over time becomes self-regulation, where the child can use those same tools independently.
Parents, teachers, and peers all play a role in that transition.
How Parents Can Support Emotion Regulation at Home
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Be an Emotion Coach
When your child feels upset, pause before problem-solving. Name the feeling, validate it, and guide them toward what might help. (“You’re frustrated because it fell again. Let’s take a deep breath and try one more time.”) -
Talk About Emotions in Daily Life
Use books, shows, or real moments to talk about how people feel and why. (“He looks disappointed. What do you think he could do to feel better?”) -
Model Calm
Let your child see you regulate yourself. (“I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a breath before we keep talking.”) -
Encourage Empathy and Friendship
Children who comfort others or receive comfort from friends become better at managing their own feelings. -
Create Predictable Routines
Predictability helps children feel safe, which gives their brain the space to practice emotion regulation.
If you want more guidance on practicing reflection and co-regulation with your child, explore the Reflective Parent Club where we help parents turn emotional challenges into opportunities for growth and connection.
Reflection Prompts for Parents
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When my child is upset, do I respond by trying to fix the problem, by staying calm with them, or by reacting emotionally myself?
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How do I talk about emotions in our home, do I label and discuss them openly?
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Who are my child’s closest friends, and what emotional tone do those friendships bring?
These questions help parents move from reacting to reflecting a skill that strengthens both parent and child.
Insights for Pediatric Clinicians
For pediatricians, psychologists, and allied health professionals, these findings highlight the need to support emotion regulation development as a core part of early intervention.
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Screen for children’s emotion regulation challenges (frequent meltdowns, difficulty calming) alongside behavioral or developmental concerns.
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Encourage parents to engage in emotion coaching and reflective dialogue, especially in families under chronic stress.
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Remind caregivers that their own regulation is a key protective factor for children.
At Curious Neuron, our Clinical Integration Program brings this science directly into pediatric and educational settings, helping clinicians and parents work together to strengthen family well-being. Email our founder, Cindy, for more details.
