Over the years, I’ve spoken to thousands of parents who are desperate to find the right words or actions when their child is melting down, pulling away, or simply struggling. But recently, my conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck on The Reflective Parenting Podcast reminded me that one of the most powerful parenting tools we have is something deceptively simple: validation.
We throw the word around a lot, but what does it really mean to validate our child—or ourselves? And more importantly, what happens when we don’t?
What Validation Actually Looks Like
During our interview, Dr. Fleck described validation as “the act of communicating to someone that their internal experience makes sense.” It’s not about agreeing with a behavior. It’s not about fixing a problem. It’s about showing up for someone emotionally and saying, “I see you, and it makes sense that you feel that way.”
She gave an example that hit home for me: imagine your child spills their smoothie and bursts into tears. An invalidating response might be, “Why are you crying? It’s just a smoothie.” But a validating response sounds like, “You were really excited about that smoothie, and now it’s gone. That’s disappointing.” In that moment, you’re helping your child feel seen. And you’re teaching them to name and regulate their emotions.
Validation doesn’t just help kids, it also soothes adults. Dr. Fleck and I explored how easy it is to invalidate ourselves as parents. I’ve done it too: “I forgot my kid’s permission slip or I’m such a mess.” But as Dr. Fleck pointed out, “Parents don’t need more shame. They need more grace.” That grace begins with validating our own emotions and intentions.
The Science: Why Invalidation Is So Harmful
Two major studies have revealed just how dangerous invalidation can be—not just in the moment, but across generations.
The first study, by Adrian et al. (2018), followed families of adolescents at high risk for self-harm. The researchers observed parent-teen interactions over six months and found that parental invalidation was a strong predictor of adolescent self-harm. Even when parents showed high levels of validation, if those were mixed with high invalidation (e.g., minimizing or dismissing feelings), the teens were at the highest risk of self-injury. That shocked me. Validation alone isn’t protective if it’s paired with invalidation. Our kids need emotional consistency, not mixed messages.
The second study, by Lee et al. (2021), dug into the intergenerational transmission of invalidation. In a large sample of dual-parent families, the researchers found that parents who experienced invalidation as children were more likely to invalidate their own children—especially if they struggled with emotion regulation. In mothers, this pattern was fully mediated by emotional dysregulation, showing that healing our own emotional wounds directly impacts how we show up for our kids.
What Does Invalidation Sound Like?
In my conversation with Dr. Fleck, we unpacked what invalidation often sounds like:
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“Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”
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“You’re too sensitive.”
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“There’s nothing to be upset about.”
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“You’re fine.”
She reminded me that even well-intentioned responses like “You’re okay!” can dismiss a child’s inner experience. Instead, we can validate the feeling and still encourage resilience: “That startled you—it’s okay to be scared. I’m here with you.”
Validation doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior. It means acknowledging the emotion behind the behavior. Dr. Fleck explained, “You can say, ‘It makes sense that you’re angry, but hitting isn’t okay.’ You’re separating the feeling from the action.”
Reflection Prompts for Parents
If you’re wondering whether you’re unintentionally invalidating your child, here are a few prompts to reflect on:
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When my child gets upset, what’s my instinctive reaction? Do I try to fix, distract, dismiss, or stay present?
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How do I speak to myself when I mess up as a parent? Is my inner voice compassionate, or critical?
These questions aren’t meant to shame—they’re meant to help us grow. Awareness is the first step toward change.
Final Thoughts—and an Invitation
If there’s one thing I want parents to take away from this conversation, it’s this: Validation is one of the most healing gifts you can give your child—and yourself.
And you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to practice.
If you want to explore this more deeply, I invite you to join our next Weekly Reflection Call inside The Reflective Parent Club. We’ll be unpacking validation, practicing real-life scenarios, and learning how to break generational cycles—together. Take advantage of the 7 day FREE trial to join this call.
Listen to the full conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck on The Reflective Parenting Podcast (Apple or Spotify) and begin your journey toward becoming a more emotionally attuned parent.
Sources:
Adrian, M., et al. (2018). Parental Validation and Invalidation Predict Adolescent Self-Harm. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 49(4), 274–281. [https://doi.org/10.1037/pro0000200]
Lee, S.S.M., et al. (2021). Examining the Intergenerational Transmission of Parental Invalidation: Extension of the Biosocial Model. Development and Psychopathology. [https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579421000778]
