Every parent brings their own values, beliefs, and experiences into raising their child. It’s no surprise, then, that couples often face parenting style differences. One parent might be warm, nurturing, and emotionally responsive (authoritative), while the other might emphasize discipline, rules, and structure (authoritarian).
If this sounds like your household, you may wonder: Are we confusing our child or even causing harm?
The good news is , parenting style differences will not automatically damage your child. But how you handle those differences as a couple does matter. A 2016 study by Tavassolie and colleagues offers important insights into how perceived differences in parenting styles affect children and marital relationships—and how parents can navigate this dynamic with compassion and teamwork.
What the Study Found
The study, titled “Differences in Perceived Parenting Style Between Mothers and Fathers: Implications for Child Outcomes and Marital Conflict”, explored how mismatches in parenting style between mothers and fathers relate to child behavior and conflict between parents.
Researchers looked at 112 two-parent families and had both parents rate their own parenting styles (authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive) and their partner’s style. They also examined how much conflict existed in the couple’s relationship and how the children were behaving emotionally and socially.
Here’s what they found:
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When mothers were more authoritative and fathers were more authoritarian, children were more likely to show behavioral problems such as aggression or defiance.
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This mismatch also led to higher levels of conflict between partners, especially when emotional needs and discipline responses weren’t aligned.
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Not all parenting style differences were harmful—it was how those differences were experienced, especially when emotionally disconnected, that caused problems in the family.
Parenting Differences Are Normal But Communication Is Key
It’s completely normal for couples to have parenting style differences. One of you might feel strongly about emotional coaching and validating your child’s feelings, while the other might worry that too much sensitivity will lead to entitlement or lack of discipline.
This doesn’t mean one of you is right and the other is wrong. In fact, when parenting differences are handled with mutual respect, they can actually complement each other. Structure and warmth together create a well-rounded emotional environment for a child.
Problems arise when:
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Parents undermine each other in front of the child
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One parent feels judged or criticized for how they parent
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Children receive mixed emotional signals (e.g., one parent soothes, the other punishes the same behaviour)
How to Talk About Parenting Differences Without Judgment
If you’re the more emotionally responsive or flexible parent, and your partner leans more authoritarian, it can be hard to bring this up without sounding critical. Here are a few science-backed strategies to start the conversation in a curious and compassionate way:
1. Start with Shared Goals
“I know we both care deeply about raising a kind, respectful child. Can we talk about how we each approach discipline and support, and find ways to stay aligned?”
When you focus on what you both want, it reduces defensiveness and builds teamwork.
2. Use “I” Statements, Not “You” Accusations
Instead of “You’re too hard on them,” try:
“I notice when I step in to comfort them, it sometimes clashes with how you handle things. I want us to feel like we’re on the same page.”
This keeps the conversation focused on connection, not blame.
3. Stay Curious
Ask your partner about their parenting values:
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“What do you think is most important for our child to learn?”
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“How do you feel when they’re having a meltdown or pushing limits?”
Understanding why they parent the way they do helps you both grow together.
Building a Unified Parenting Foundation
Here are a few ways to align as co-parents, even if your styles differ:
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Agree on the emotional tone: For example, “We both agree not to yell or shame, even if we have different ways of setting limits.”
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Create a repair plan: If one of you gets reactive or rigid, have a simple plan to repair with your child and each other afterward.
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Align on core boundaries: Choose a few non-negotiables (e.g., screen time, bedtime, respect) where you commit to consistency.
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Celebrate each other’s strengths: One of you might be better at play and connection, the other at follow-through. Let your child benefit from both.
Final Thoughts
Different parenting styles don’t have to divide you—or harm your child. What matters most is how you communicate, support one another, and stay grounded in your shared love for your child.
If you’re struggling to bridge the gap or feel like you’re constantly stepping in to buffer your partner’s strictness, know that you’re not alone. Many parents are navigating this exact dynamic. The key is curiosity over criticism, compassion over control.
Need more support? Inside The Reflective Parent Club, we offer tools, reflection prompts, and expert guidance to help parents feel confident and connected—even when they don’t always agree.
