A science-based tool that helps you shift your perspective (and build your resilience)

A science-backed tool to help you stay regulated and respond with intention

Have you ever snapped at your child, felt hurt by a comment from your partner, or overreacted at work  then later thought, “Why did I take that so personally?”

Often, it’s not just the situation itself that overwhelms us but the lens we’re wearing that makes it feel heavier than it is.

The phrase “shift your lens” may sound simple, but it’s deeply rooted in research on emotional regulation. Psychologist James Gross, a leading researcher in this field, calls this process cognitive reappraisal which is the ability to reinterpret a situation in a way that reduces its emotional impact. When we shift how we see the moment, we shift how we feel  and how we respond.

Let’s explore how this science-backed strategy can help you stay grounded and connected, even when parenting feels intense (and if you need extra help with this join our membership, The Reflective Parent Club).

What It Means to “Shift Your Lens”

Think of a lens like a pair of tinted glasses. Depending on the tint, for instance, red or blue, the world around you looks and feels different.

Emotionally, our lens is the perspective we’re using to interpret a situation. If you’re wearing a Threat Lens, you might see your child’s backtalk as disrespect. If you’re wearing a Shame Lens, you may interpret a parenting mistake as proof that you’re failing.

But here’s the good news: when you notice your lens and shift your lens to something more helpful, like curiosity, compassion, or boundaries — everything can change: how you feel, how you speak, and how the other person responds.

When Your Child Pushes Back

Imagine this: you ask your child to put away their toys, and they instantly shout, “Why do I always have to do everything?! You’re so mean!”

Your heart rate rises. You’re angry. You might even shout back. That’s a normal response especially if you’re wearing the Blame Lens or the Control Lens: “They’re being rude. I need to fix this now.”

Instead, try pausing and asking yourself:
“Can I shift my lens?”
What if you chose the Curiosity Lens: “Why are they feeling so overwhelmed right now?”
Or the Empathy Lens: “Maybe they feel powerless and need my help to regulate.”

This doesn’t mean letting them off the hook  it means responding instead of reacting, because you’re seeing more clearly.

Feeling Ignored by Your Partner

You send your partner a text mid-day to check in. No reply for hours. By the time they get home, you’re simmering with resentment.

If you’re wearing the Victim Lens, the story in your mind might sound like:
“They don’t care. I’m always the one reaching out.”

Now you’re dysregulated and any small comment can spark an argument.

But what if you paused and shifted your lens? Maybe to the Compassion Lens: “They might be stressed too.” Or the Boundaries Lens: “I can let them know I’d appreciate a quick reply when they get a chance.”

That shift softens your nervous system and opens the door to connection, not conflict.

When Family Criticizes Your Parenting

You’re at a family dinner and your parent makes a comment like, “You’re too soft on your kids — back in my day, we didn’t tolerate that.”

Ouch. You feel judged, embarrassed, even angry.

With the Shame Lens on, you might spiral into thoughts like: “Maybe they’re right. I’m doing it all wrong.”
Or with the Resentment Lens: “They always make me feel like I’m not enough.”

But this is your chance to shift your lens:
Try the Self-Leadership Lens: “I know my values, and I don’t need to defend myself.” Or the Big-Picture Lens: “Their opinion doesn’t define my parenting.”

Reappraisal, as James Gross describes it, is not about denying what happened it’s about widening the frame. And that perspective shift can help you regulate emotionally and stay aligned with how you want to parent.

Helping Your Child Shift Their Lens Too

Modeling this practice out loud is one of the best ways to teach your kids emotional awareness. Here’s a great example from a parent that I recently received:

“Whenever my son feels frustrated or something accidental happens, he goes into a long rant about how unfair everything is, how he always has to do more than his sister, and how awful the world is. I try to listen patiently, but it just loops over and over.”

In this case, the child seems stuck in the Victim Lens — seeing everything as unjust and against him. He’s expressing big feelings but doesn’t yet have the tools to move through them.

You can gently help your child shift their lens by naming it for them:

“It sounds like you’re feeling like the world is against you right now. That’s called the Victim Lens , I wear it too sometimes. But let’s try the Teamwork Lens. How can we solve this together?”

Saying your own thoughts out loud helps:

“I almost wore my Blame Lens when I felt ignored earlier — but then I shifted to Compassion, and it helped me calm down.”

That kind of modelling plants seeds for emotional growth that will serve them for life.

A Simple Way to Reflect

Even if you don’t catch yourself in the moment, reflecting afterward is still valuable. If you need more support, remember that we have The Reflective Parent Club, a space where parents are discovering themselves, building their self-awareness and growing together.

Here are five quick journaling prompts to help you build the habit to shift your lens:

1. What happened and how did I feel?

2. What lens was I wearing at the time?

3. How did that lens affect my emotions or behavior?

4. What lens could I have chosen instead?

5. How might that shift have changed the moment?

Growth Begins With Awareness

You won’t always get it right  and that’s okay. What matters is building the awareness to notice the story your mind is telling and pausing long enough to choose a better one. Every time you shift your lens, you regulate your nervous system, strengthen your emotional intelligence, and model resilience to your children. So the next time you feel triggered, misunderstood, or overwhelmed, ask yourself: “What lens am I wearing — and can I shift my lens?” That small shift can create a big change in your parenting, your relationships, and your inner peace.

To help you out, here is a list of lenses we might have and another list we might want to try and shift towards:

Listen to this on The Reflective Parenting Podcast on Apple or on Spotify (release date August 4th, 2025)

Default/unhelpful Lenses (reactive/triggered state)

1. The threat lens – “I’m being attacked.”

2. The control lens – “I need to be right / in charge.”

3. The victim lens – “Why is this happening to me?”

4. The shame lens – “I’m a failure / I’m not good enough.”

5. The blame lens – “This is your fault.”

6. The fix-it lens – “I need to solve this now.”

7. The perfection lens – “This shouldn’t be happening / I shouldn’t feel this way/this is not good enough.”

8. The resentment lens – “You always do this to me.”

9. The comparison lens – “Others don’t struggle like I do.”

10. The fear lens – “Something bad is going to happen.”

Intentional Lenses (regulation and conscious response)

1. The curiosity lens – “What’s really going on here?”

2. The compassion lens – “We’re both human and struggling.”

3. The boundaries lens – “What do I need and what am I responsible for?”

4. The self-leadership lens – “How do I want to show up for myself?”

5. The humility lens – “I may not see the full picture.”

6. The growth lens – “What can I learn from this?”

7. The empathy lens – “How might they be feeling?”

8. The big-picture lens – “Will this matter in a year?”

9. The repair lens – “What can I do to restore connection?”

10. The self-compassion lens – “It’s okay to feel this way.”