If you’ve ever searched for the best way to regulate your emotions, you’re not alone.
Should you take a deep breath? Reframe your thoughts? Go for a walk? Journal? Practice mindfulness? As a neuroscientist, I’m often asked which technique works best. But after reading this study, I think we’ve been asking the wrong question. The researchers in the article Emotion Regulation in Close Relationships: The Role of Individual Differences and Situational Context by Chen & Liao (2021) found something that I think is incredibly important:
There isn’t one “best” way to regulate your emotions because the best approach depends on the situation you’re in.
We Often Think Emotion Regulation Is About Finding the Right Technique
Many of us treat emotional well-being like a toolbox. When we’re overwhelmed, we look for the one tool that’s supposed to fix everything, but our emotions actually don’t work that way.
Would you respond to a disagreement with your boss the same way you would respond to a disagreement with your partner? Probably not because the relationship is different and your goals are different…so your level of control is different.
Yet we often expect the same emotion regulation strategies to work in every situation.
What This Study Looked At
To better understand how people regulate their emotions in close relationships, the researchers recruited 300 adults between the ages of 21 and 35 from the community. Rather than asking general questions about emotions, they asked participants to think about two real-life situations from the previous three months: one conflict with a parent and one conflict with a romantic partner.
For each situation, participants completed questionnaires that assessed:
- Their emotional intelligence (how well they understand and manage emotions)
- The emotion regulation strategies they used during the conflict
- How much control they felt they had over the situation
- Their goal during the conflict, such as whether they were trying to maintain the relationship
- Whether the conflict was with a parent or a romantic partner
By looking at all of these factors together, the researchers wanted to answer an important question:
Do people choose the same emotion regulation strategy every time, or does it depend on who they’re with, what they’re trying to accomplish, and how much control they feel they have?
As you’ll see, the answer was clear: our emotion regulation is influenced by much more than our personality. The situation itself plays an important role in determining how we respond.
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Main Finding: Our Goals in an Interaction Matter
One of the findings that really made me stop and think was that the reason we are trying to regulate our emotions can influence how we regulate them. Our emotional response isn’t just shaped by what we’re feeling, it’s also shaped by what we’re hoping to accomplish.
The researchers found that when maintaining the relationship was an important goal, people were more likely to choose strategies that helped reduce conflict rather than escalate it.
When we’re emotionally activated, we rarely pause to ask ourselves, “What is my goal in this moment?” Am I trying to feel heard? Am I trying to protect the relationship? Am I trying to solve a problem? Or am I simply trying to prove that I’m right?
Those are very different goals, and they will likely lead us to respond in very different ways.
This is one of the reasons I believe self-awareness is the foundation of emotion regulation. Before we can choose how to respond, we first need to understand why we’re responding. Once we’re clear on what we’re trying to accomplish, it becomes much easier to choose an emotion regulation strategy that supports that goal instead of reacting on autopilot.
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Emotional Intelligence Is About Being Flexible, Not Perfect
One of the things I found most interesting in this study was the role emotional intelligence played in people’s choice of emotion regulation strategies.
The researchers found that people with higher emotional intelligence weren’t simply relying on one strategy over and over again. Instead, they appeared to adjust how they regulated their emotions depending on the situation they were in, the person they were interacting with, and what they were hoping to accomplish.
That really resonates with me because I think emotional intelligence is often misunderstood. Many people assume that emotionally intelligent people stay calm all the time, never get frustrated, or always know exactly what to say. But that’s not how I see it because to me, emotional intelligence isn’t about avoiding difficult emotions. It’s about becoming aware of what’s happening inside of you, noticing what’s happening around you, and having enough flexibility to choose a response that fits the situation.
Sometimes that response might be taking a few deep breaths before speaking. Sometimes it might mean looking at the situation from another perspective. Other times it might mean expressing your emotions honestly because avoiding the conversation would only make things worse. There isn’t one strategy that’s always right.
This study reminds us that emotional intelligence isn’t about using the same approach every time it’s about developing the awareness and flexibility to respond differently when the situation calls for it.
Why This Study Matters for You
One of the biggest takeaways from this study is that there isn’t one “right” way to regulate your emotions. The most helpful response depends on the situation, theperson you’re interacting with, how much control you have, and what you’re hoping to accomplish.
It means that emotional well-being isn’t about becoming someone who never gets frustrated, anxious, or overwhelmed. It’s about becoming someone who is aware enough to pause before reacting and flexible enough to choose a response that fits the moment.
The next time you notice yourself becoming emotionally activated with your partner, child or parent, try asking yourself these questions:
- Who am I interacting with right now?
- How much control do I actually haveover this situation?
- What is my goal in this conversation?
- What response is most likely to help me achieve that goal?
You may discover that the emotion regulation strategy you applied yesterday isn’t the one you need today. It might also be a reminder to use a better strategy to regulate your emotions if your goal is to nurture the quality of this relationship or model healthy regulation skills (i.e. with your child).
Remember, emotion regulation isn’t about finding one technique that works every time. It’s about developing the self-awareness and flexibility to respond differently as your circumstances change.
